All of what follows was inspired by a friend sending me a link to this website: Dirds. I scrolled through the pictures, I chuckled, gave in to a moment of amusement imagining other pairings. Then I got to the comments section, and, out of boredom, read the first few.

Wow. The conversation was dominated by two people – one a self-identified evolutionist, and the other a creationist. There are three things I can say for certain about both:

1. Their beliefs are very strong.

2. They take themselves way too seriously.

3. They probably spend a lot of time in the comments section on random websites.

The first two I’m sure of, the last one is just conjecture, based on my own nascent science of intellectual profiling. I.e. if you say certain things, in a certain forum, in a certain way, I’m going to assume you’re an idiot.

Although, is it really their fault?

They were certainly provoked, first by the flamboyantly incendiary nature of the website, which only showed those mash up pictures of dog heads photo-shopped onto bird bodies (and vice-versa) with an eye towards making a statement about the intersection of natural history and religion.

I mean, it certainly wasn’t just a bored graphic design artist killing time between the (apparently irresistible) new episodes of The Voice and The X Factor. Yes, I know they don’t air on the same night – let me have my snarky fun, OK?

But that brings me right to my point. These are People Who Are Taking Themselves Too Seriously. All caps because it should have a catchy acronym that I can use to start my own website. (PWATTTS) Hmmm…I might be able to work with that.

Anyways, you know you’re one of the PWATTTS when you decide to argue about evolution/creationism in the comments of a post about Dirds. I can’t really state it more simply than that. I mean, just look at the word. Dirds. Ha!

This is the comment that got it all started, phrased in the passive-aggressive way that is the hallmark of these types of internet heroes.

PWATTS 1: “It’s funny, because this is what evolutionists will actually have you believe.” But clearly, as we find out later, Ken does NOT find it funny.

PWATTS 2 then responds with an obvious point about how evolutionists would NOT have you believe that, because if they would, where are the Dirds (Ha!), etc. He also adds his own element of passive-aggressiveness, inviting PWATTTS 1 to write back when he returns from church, but then implying that he DOESN’T want PWATTTS 1 to reply by crossing out a word in his post! Ahahaha! I get it! Because if you don’t believe in Dirds (Ha!), you must go to church a lot! Nice!

The conversation evolves/devolves from there. (Side note, what if Dirds are just an example of evolution going the wrong way, like evolution’s evil brother, a la Jet Li in The One? Did Darwin have to fight an evil Darwin from the future aboard the HMS Beagle for evolutionary supremacy? Is the account of this battle not in his notebooks because he didn’t feel like he could do without the 300th drawing of a ladybug?)

Anyways, as the conversation continues, we find out that PWATTTS 2 calls into question the logic of a God that killed the dinosaurs, clearly latching onto the most obvious argument against a divine being, and even manages to bring Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park novels into the equation.

PWATTTS 1 counters irresistibly with “I know you are but what am I”. OK, that’s not actually what he said, but it was along the lines of “If you’ve never seen God, how do you know what He’s capable of?”

Good Lord. (he said un-ironically).

There are only two thing more certain of failure than trying to out-argue someone about creationism/evolution in the comments section. One is getting into a land war in Asia. The other (you guessed it) is matching wits with a Sicilian when death is on the line. Although, given the outcome of the latter scene, perhaps PWATTTS 1 and 2 are into second place. Have we learned nothing from The Princess Bride???

And, having nicely wrapped up a discussion of dog-headed birds with a reference to the last movie Cary Elwes made that anybody watched, I will close. (Although, as I wrote that line, it occurred to me that the choice of dog heads on birds may not have been totally accidental)

Dog is my copilot.



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