short-attention-span theater

far from letting the routine dull our senses, i find that we strive harder to invest even the most mundane discussion with some sort of intellectually stimulating content.  as the following will illustrate.

1) the scene: dinner yesterday.

the catalyst: i had just drunk a diet pepsi and a carton of soy milk in quick succession, and the inevitable mixing in my stomach was turning out to be somewhat uncomfortable.

the question: in a war between soy milk and diet pepsi, who would be victorious?

the discussion: in order to evaluate the martial prowess of each food product, we found it helpful to pick a celebrity most like each one, and then transfer the results of that battle to the actual conflict in my stomach.  for diet pepsi, we chose Iggy Pop. 

diet pepsi is healthy (relatively speaking) but not in the wholesome way you would associate with a fruit juice, for instance.  no, diet pepsi is more like that guy who is really skinny, but only because he is strung out, not because he is fit and trim.  hence the choice of Iggy Pop, who doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him, but won’t be finishing a marathon any time soon.

soy milk was more difficult, because the healthiness had to go hand-in-hand with the slightly-less-than-heterosexual nature of drinking milk made from beans.  therefore, a compromise – the obvious athleticism of a figure skater, and the conclusions that are frequently drawn about men who wears skin-tight singlets and glitter.  i give you the soy champion, Brian Boitano.

the discussion has not progressed past the choice of respective champions, but will no doubt engender lively debate for the next few days.

having uncovered the finer points of the ages-old diet-pepsi vs. soy milk debate, we moved on to lunch today, where a new opportunity to affect the world in a positive way presented itself. 

2) the scene: lunch today

the catalyst: discussion of a drinking game known as “Thunderdome”, which Tom was introduced to during a glorious weekend at Notre Dame.

the question: could the “Thunderdome” drinking game become a viable system of governance?

the discussion: first, the rules of Thunderdome.  imagine, if you will, that an argument has broken out at a party.  not your average, everyday squabble, but a dispute of epic proportions, with far-reaching consequences of global magnitude - for the sake of this forum, we’ll say you and your best friend disagree on the best candy ever…you, being right, say Peanut M&Ms, while your friend, being wrong, says - well, it doesn’t matter, they didn’t say Peanut M&Ms.

as the volume of the argument rises, so does the chant from the surrounding crowd… “Thunderdome…Thunderdome…Thunderdome!” at which point your fate has been sealed.  you will resolve your differences by Thunderdome. 

Thunderdome is quite simple.  you pound one cup of beer ever minute until one of you pukes.  puker=loser.  the results of Thunderdome are legally and pecuniarily binding.  it is black and white, does not require excessive legal histrionics (are there any other kind?), and at the end, everyone is drunk. 

the real meat of the discussion came when the implications of such a system of government began to be revealed.  being a good lawyer would require an entirely new set of abilities.  that guy you found passed out on the floor of the frat house every saturday morning in college?  the new johnny cochrane.  the guy you knew in the army who was the last man standing at Oktoberfest?  president of the united states.  lindsey lohan? still a mess (it’s a great system, but it can’t work miracles…)

of course, there would have to be weight classes for lawyers at each level of legal appeal…you couldn’t have a 300-pound district attorney bringing his case all the way to the supreme court without a real challenge.  i believe in checks and balances, after all. 

something to think about as we near the 2008 elections, and are force-fed endless debates and nonsense about “new directions” and “the time for a change”.  take a moment to ponder hillary clinton and john mccain, beer foam spilling down the front of their carefully chosen neutral-but-self-confident business attire, finishing a red plastic cup of beer, slamming it down on the podium, and yelling, “what now??!!??  debate that!!!”

cheers.