passing the time

it all started with a pickle named “sassy”.  then there were sea monkeys.  and bubble races.

in our latests outbursts of maturity, “eating-of-gross-things” has become the standard.

challenges fly around the office between tom and kevin and glen and myself, and are rarely taken up by the challengee.  (said challengee usually wanting to keep his intestinal tract in one piece, and/or not spend the next three days in the bathroom).

recently, a care package arrived, and its contents provided a perfect opportunity for entertainment.  a small can of potted meat (i swear, that’s what it’s called), a small can of vienna sausages (sorry to any austrians who are offended by this product using their name), and reese’s peanut butter cups. 

for those of you with weak stomachs, go somewhere else and read about liposuction, it will be less disgusting.

here are the stages of consumption:

 apologies for the sideways pic; you’re gonna have to work to be disgusted.  this is the spotted meat, and it is more than capable of holding up a plastic spoon.  think “SPAM pate”…

 the second piece of the puzzle – authentic vienna sausage, glistening with natural goodness.

 putting it all together – note the addition of the reese’s peanut butter cup as a base layer.

 and moments before ingestion – presentation is everything.  we were going for “birthday cake”…

the results were predictable, and unremarkable.  kevin was slightly ill, the rest of us were violently ill, and we successfully wasted another 30 minutes of our day. 

here’s to the timeless practice of daring people to eat gross things.  and here’s to people sending us the raw materials.

cheers.

another day

there are no store decorations in iraq that have been up since thanksgiving.  no christmas songs on the radio, because most of us don’t listen to the radio.  no TV ads, except for a couple of generals wishing the troops happy holidays.  no christmas sales taking up half of the newspaper. 

and i think this might be the way i like it. 

not that i don’t have great memories of christmas, because i do.  i wouldn’t trade those for anything.  but at this point in my life, there seem to be more important things than a holiday. 

as i think through the reasons that most people cherish christmas, it gives me a clue as to why i may have lost much of my interest.

i do not subscribe to the religious aspects of the holiday, but discussions of concern over reduced holiday spending, ads that urge you to show your children how much you care with a new video game system, and special christmas versions of everything just rub me the wrong way.  it’s just another day, where the front page of every newspaper will display headlines about suicide bombings, train wrecks and random acts of violence.

my perception is that people love christmas because they have the chance, and are reminded of their obligation, to visit family, get in touch with old friends, give gifts, and in general show their appreciation for the people in their lives.  there is nothing wrong with this, but it is unfortunate that all of the baggage has to come with the holiday. 

since deploying, i’ve worked hard to keep in touch with the people i care about.  i’ve communicated with friends and family much more than i ever did back at home, i realize now.  and here is the reason – every day is like a holiday, when you think about the men and women who never got the chance to reconnect with old friends or long-neglected family.

i don’t want that to happen to me.  and i hope when i go home, i will be able to keep that perspective, and take advantage of every opportunity to enjoy and appreciate friends and family.

not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying the season, and a lot of good comes from the focus on family, holiday cheer and so on.  but as you go through the holiday season, try for a moment to picture christmas day as just another day, and new year’s as the same.  don’t pass up your chances. 

happy holidays.

cheers.  

the palace that Saddam didn’t build

Saddam Hussein, during his tenure as absolute dictator (or benevolent father, depending on who you ask), built somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 palaces for various purposes.  some were for his sons, some were vacation retreats, and some were meant to accomplish government business. 

but the 15th gem in this crown of palatial residences, the edifice to outshine all edifices (see if you can find anyone else who has used “edifices” in a sentence – i dare you!)  cannot be other than the room that the rhino and i moved into two weeks ago.

you may ask, “why, when the hardships of your previous room were so numerous and sundry, did you not immediately extol the virtues of your new residence?  why wait two weeks?”

my answer is, the shock was too great, initially, to do anything resembling justice to the description.  i simply could not muster the proper collection of superlatives in such a short time.  now i am ready.

the room is glorious.  it looks down from great height on other rooms and laughs.  it dances in the end zone and draws a taunting penalty after scoring on other rooms.  it scores a goal on other rooms, to win the world cup of room greatness, and rips off it’s shirt to reveal a sportsbra.

for the first 48 hours we were in the room, i unashamedly tell you that we didn’t turn off the TV. 

even the smell of mildew in the bathroom is a celebration of our newfound stature, as the old room was too drafty, with air seemingly seeping through the walls, to allow any sort of water buildup to turn into mold.

even the 15 minute walk to the bus stop (up from approximately 5 minutes) seems to be saying to us, “hey, don’t forget to get a little bit of exercise, friends!”  thanks, new room!  always looking out for us.

there are a few pictures posted below to give you some idea of the blissful circumstances we now find ourselves in.

additionally, to complete the comparison between the B.P.A. (Before Palatial Accomodations) era and the A.P.A. (After Palatial Accomodations) era, i offer the following Top Ten Things We Can Now Do:

10. walk through the door without turning sideways.

9. river dance. (if we wanted to.  which we don’t.  mostly)

8. both stand up at the same time without touching. (unless we want to.  which we don’t.  mostly)

7. open my wall locker without hitting my bed.

6. have conversations about what extra furniture we could put in the room.

5. watch the University of Delaware (kevin’s alma mater) play football (more exciting for kevin than me.  by far)

4. watch dutch league soccer matches (more exciting for me)

3. watch australian movies about teenage witches in plaid skirts and knee-high socks. (pretty exciting for both of us)

2. complain about having to get up to get water from the fridge (it used to be within arm’s length).

1. make it through the rest of the deployment without killing each other.

and if that doesn’t paint the picture for you, i’m not sure what will.  to all of you who i know are living in much more spartan conditions, i put out the welcome mat, next time you are in the IZ.  come on over and watch terrible Jean Claude Van-Damme movies with us.

pictures…

 the view as you walk in the door (kevin’s bed on the left, mine on the right)

  view from the beds, door on the left is the bathroom.

 enough room to river dance.  (which we still don’t want to do.  seriously)

cheers.

serious discussion, dammit!

i know, 2 of the last 3 posts have been serious.  i apologize, and promise a top ten and/or more ridiculous pictures soon. 

since the invasion in 2003, the US-led coalition has shown a distinct tendency to create US/Coalition solutions to Iraqi problems.  this is not news, and may spring from ignorance of Iraqi culture, ignorance of political realities, or just plain ignorance (my personal favorite).

i share the frustration of many working here as we watch this play out again and again.  and by “many working here” i mean mostly the gaggle of captains at CPATT who (obviously), had we been in charge, would have facilitated the creation of a free and democratic Iraq by now. 

but every once in a while, someone who has been in the army longer than i have been alive says something that had never crossed my mind.  i know, hard to imagine that much experience would actually count for something.  

a hypothetical situation: the coalition wants to provide equipment (as we have been doing for years) to the Iraqi Security Forces.  but wait, say all of the deep-thinking, nearly-almost-right captains, the Iraqi Security Forces don’t have a way to maintain this equipment – as soon as it breaks, it will be useless.  (we are very clever, and have seen this happen).

and this seems to be a valid argument.  until experience says, “here’s another way of looking at it…”

we don’t have to always measure success by the things that play well in the media.  violence rates down, iraqi capability up…these are all good things, but the very type of problems you have may be a (less popular) measurement of progress.

a year ago, we had no maintenance problem for the hypothetical equipment.  that’s a good thing.  we had no problem because we had no equipment.  now, we have a maintenance problem, and it represents progress, strangely enough.

the cart may be a bit ahead of the horse here, but providing the equipment a bit prematurely may also be the impetus necessary to create the maintenance program.  ideally, we would create the maintenance plan in conjunction with the distribution plan, but ideal plans rarely come to fruition in the middle of a counter-insurgency fight.   

so where does that leave us?  with equipment that Iraqi Security Forces need on one hand, and no way to maintain it on the other.   

ideal?  no.

a real-world solution?  yes.

certain to succeed?  no way.

but maybe not an indication of the plain ignorance i am so fond of identifying and ridiculing.  time will tell.

cheers.

christmas is ok

so this is the first holiday season i have spent deployed.  got back from kosovo just in time for thanksgiving in 2001, and i was back from iraq well before the leaves changed in 2003. 

my general philosophy while deployed is to ignore festive occasions, and try to maintain the status quo.  my college soccer coach once told me to keep my highs low, and my lows high.  i think that makes sense, but as i mentioned, i have never been deployed for such a major holiday.

therefore, when we were all herded into the DFAC yesterday, and required to observe the official lighting of the christmas tree, and listen to the “praise team” carol, i convinced myself that i was highly uninterested.  i didn’t want to enjoy this experience too much, because within 30 minutes i would be back at my desk, counting the seconds until the end of the day.  also, i will insert the standard “disgust-at-the-over-commercialization-of-holidays” and “annoyance-that-the-number-of-shoppers-the-day-after-thanksgiving-was-the-most-newsworthy-event-of-the-day” to round out my feelings about christmas in iraq.

despite these inclinations, i actually listened to the carols.  setting aside the fact that most were christian anthems, a fact not unremarkable to the more cultured among us (read: my roommate, the guy from NY) in such a diverse organization, i couldn’t help becoming slightly nostalgic.  and *gasp* i was not completely unhappy to be there.  (and not just because it was dark and i almost fell asleep)

so thank you, mom, for forcing me to endure bing crosby and danny kay in “white christmas”.  that song now reminds me of waking up to bright sunshine and the high 60s of a california december 25th, with renee (surprise) smiling ear-t-ear, and bre diligently making piles of presents under the tree. 

i’m also reminded of bing crosby and danny kay dressed as the hayes sisters, but that will be between me and my therapist someday. 

perhaps i will even allow myself to enjoy christmas day itself, if only for long enough to hum “white christmas”.

and in the spirit of enjoying a little christmas…thanks to Mrs. Neal’s class for all of the awesome christmas cards.  Master Guns Czubinski and I enjoyed reading them.

and of course, during this holiday season, i’m sure all of you back home will be comforted to know that every day we are improving our defensive position in the land of blue velvet cubicles, and will soon have a tank constructed from the boxes which formerly contained the goodies sent by our loved ones.

you may place your order for a customized cardboard armored vehicle at www.wewereprettyboredthatday.com.

cheers.

LTG Qais Hamza Aboud

if you were not paying careful attention, you might have missed it.  yesterday, LTG Qais, the Provincial Director of Police for the Iraqi province of Babil (just south and west of Baghdad) was killed in an ambush on his convoy.  it was a story that slid immediately to the bottom of the pile of breaking news, but should have been near the top.

i had never met the man, but in my function as an Iraqi Police Service regional team lead, his province was one of my areas of responsibility for 6 months.  

Babil took up an inordinate amount of my time, with their constant requests for resources.  LTG Qais asked the Iraqi government for more rifles, and was denied.  he asked for more body armor, and was denied.  he asked for more helmets, boots, and uniforms, and was denied.  he asked for an armored vehicle to ride around in, and was denied.

so he asked again.  and again.

as he was asking for more resources, he was getting the job done with what he had, in one of the most dangerous provinces in Iraq, which is comprised, in part, of the oft-referenced “Baghdad belts” south of the capital city. 

his province has the most capable special police unit in the country, the Hillah SWAT, largely due to LTG Qais’ determined efforts. 

i guess what amazes me that most is that LTG Qais was accomplishing so much, while dodging multiple assassination attempts, and fighing to obtain resources from a government still struggling to establish the processes that would provide those resources. 

imagine the commissioner of the California State Police, or whatever the equivalent may be, trying to administer and lead a police force of thousands, while watching the side of the road for IEDs whenever he leaves his station, to drive up to the capital in Sacramento to ask in person if they got his memo requesting money for boots for his policemen.  LTG Qais lived and worked under these conditions for two years, which is incredible longevity in Iraq for a public servant on the brink of assassination, removal for political reasons, and constant threats against family and friends.

a more determined or courageous patriot would be hard to imagine, in any country.  a bit melodramatic, i know.

here’s to hoping the good guys can get a small percentage of the media coverage the bad guys get.

here’s to LTG Qais.

cheers.

qatar and other things

you’ll all be happy to know that there is actually a reason behind the latest time span between posts.  i spent 4 days in Qatar (just south of Kuwait) on pass last week.  once i got over the indescribable (that’s a funny-looking word) flatness that confronted immediately upon exiting the plane, i took a deep breath, didn’t smell anything burning, and realized that it was going to be a very relaxing four days.

don’t get the wrong idea, though – even when relaxing i set myself some very rigorous goals.  i challenged myself to wake up every morning no later than 10 am.  having accomplished that, i disciplined myself to get a cup of coffee and spend at least the next two hours reading and enjoying the sun.  though i was inevitably drained at this point, i pushed on, and, after an hour-and-a-half for lunch, i would grind through another two hours of reading and general relaxation.

at this point my day would really start to drag on, as i would head to the Morale, Welfare, and Recreation building to watch a movie, or a football game.  then, to make sure i could at least point to some kind of memorable accomplishment for the day, i would drink my 3 beers that i was allowed, read a bit more, and go to bed, knowing with a sense of foreboding that the next day would be just as exhausting. 

from the reactions i got from kevin and glen and other co-workers, the time off was good for me. 

kevin: wow, you don’t look as gaunt anymore!

glen: those dark circles are gone from under your eyes!

stacy: you were gone???

in other news, the good folks who have adopted me as their recipient for any and all food they can fit into a box (bless them) have gotten an early start on the holiday season, and i have received no less than SEVEN boxes of food and other items in the last two days.  this means i am off to a flying start in our “december package balanced scorecard tracker” (CPATT inside joke…trust me, you don’t want to know)  my closest competition is glen, with three, and he has already made the tactical blunder of asking his family to send more packages to me. 

so, for those of you who may be preparing to send christmas goodies this way, be advised that we are well-stocked on dental floss, christmas cards, cans of chili, small tubes of toothpaste and girl scout cookies.  also, anyone loooking for a circa 1960’s copy of Letters from the Ephesians, you can stop by CPATT for your complimentary copy. 

cheers.