8 million

So I discovered something very interesting about myself the other day.  Normally I would follow such a sentence up with a meaningful anecdote about increasing self-awareness, or a burgeoning understanding of some worthwhile subject.  But neither of these are the case this time.  I have merely realized that when I am in a hyperbolic mood, tending towards reckless exaggeration, and I am asked to provide a number, the number that invariably comes out is “8 million”.

“CPT Bourdage, how many bags of beef jerky do you have in that drawer?” 

“I dunno, like 8 million…” (after more of the bounty from Renee’s third graders arrived yesterday)

So, to build on this revelation, without delving too deeply into possible Freudian reasons for my selection of the number 8, I present the next Top Ten:

Top Ten “8 millions”…

10) Protective barrier walls in the IZ (this is a good thing, but at times makes me feel like I’m living in a huge maze, trying to find the cheese at the end)

9) People who outrank me (and make me do work)

People who are less competent than me (and cause me to do their work)

7) Different varieties of desserts at every meal (Seriously, I think at least 1/2 of the budget for Iraq goes to kiwi lime pie concoctions)

6) People who should not be at the dessert table at every meal

5) Acronyms that I don’t understand (seriously…three letters max.  IIMTTWJWIO (If It’s More Than Three Words, Just Write It Out))

4) Ways I have already thought of to get myself sent home

3) Ways I have thought of to get my roommate, the Hippo, sent home (so I can have my own room)

2) Handfuls of Trail Mix I will have eaten by the time I leave (thanks again, Mrs. Neal’s 3d Grade!)

1) Times I will wonder why people can’t just stop killing each other

I know, a bit of a downer to end, but if you’re feeling depressed, just read #s 2-10 again.  Do it!  Now!

Cheers.

helmet fires

access to the blog continues to be sporadic; fortunately i am opportunistic and never at a loss for witty commentary.   fortunately for whom, i am not sure…

today’s topic is helmet fires.  before i continue, i would like you all to take a moment to let your imagination run wild, and enjoy the visual. 

for the dyslexic among us, i did not say fire helmet…

  

“…an expression for a mental state characterized by unnaturally high stress and task saturation and loss of situational awareness” is the Wikipedia definition of a helmet fire.  yeah, i know, i didn’t think it had a real definition either.

although “task saturation” is definitely a term that should be used more often around here.  as in, “sir, i cannot complete that slide show, because i am saturated with tasks.  i am dripping with tasks.  my pores are oozing tasks, and making a little task puddle on the floor.”  you get the idea. 

hmmm…”task puddle”…good name for a band.  although i feel like i’m cheating a little bit, because “puddle” is just a funny word, and would enhance the name of just about anything.

 i was going to ramble about puddles for a bit, but it turned out to be not quite as funny as i had hoped.  oh well.

not much else to say tonight, except that i am “saturated” with packages full of goodies, and now have an entire drawer full of beef jerky and various nut mixes.  thank you to all who have sent me this wonderful cornucopia of treats.  i have, in two months, surprassed the volume of care packages received in 7 months last time here. 

and mom, for the gi-normous book of crossword puzzles, thank you, and you are now my favorite person named Geraldine Smith.

noodle, the movie selection reflects your impeccable taste.  and by impeccable i mean childish and immature.  and by childish and immature i mean right up my alley…

i am trying to put together a worthy Top Ten for the weekend, but you can’t rush these kinds of things.  anyone with suggestions for Top Tens they would like to see, please do not hesitate to submit.  let’s make this an interactive blog.  bloggeractive.  nope, not a good word.  i’ll work on it.

good night to all.

cheers. 

   

the best laid plans

so i thought i was all set…i would be able to write at least three times a week, people would know what i was doing, my mom wouldn’t be hassling me all the time (in that way that i miss so much)…

 but once again, the army has thwarted my best intentions, and blocked access to my website for the last week or so.  (there will be no discussion of how many “best” intentions i’ve actually had that needed thwarting, either.)

the past week or so has been uneventful, many spreadsheets were created, countless powerpoint slides were briefed, and one entire box of tasty cakes (peanut butter and other varieties) was pilfered by the vultures who work in this office, and can hear a box of fat-pills being opened from at least 3-4 blue velvet cubicles away.

got outside the gate once, to attend a meeting, almost fell asleep during said meeting, then back again.  one interesting thing is that the meeting is held in a palace across the water (by that i mean man-made pleasure lake) from the building where our brigade HQ was when we first arrived in Baghdad in 2003.  ah, the memories of sitting in that building on the ornate, gold-encrusted furniture of the (former) regime, and not even wondering what would happen to this country in the coming years.  in my defense, i had never invaded a country before, so this was all a bit new to me.  but still fascinating to think about how all of this has evolved since then.  more to follow on that thought…  

so for this special monday edition, i feel compelled to roll the Top Ten, Absurdity, and Shallow Thought all into one.  some would say it can’t be done, and to them i would say, “you have no idea how truly absurd and shallow-thought provoking this place really is”.  or i’d just head-butt them.  head-butting would probably be more effective. 

in fact, i think the head-butt (which i will refer to as the HB from here on) is a drastically underrated tactic.  there are a couple of reasons for this -

one – it is unexpected.  nobody really thinks you’re going to HB them until it happens.  and then it’s too late.  because honestly, who in their right mind would HB someone? 

two – it’s just about the hardest part of your body, and actually used to be much harder (many scientists think that early man had a thicker skull because men used to club their women as part of the mating ritual.  go figure)

champion HBer

three –  it’s just fun to do.  if you are not the one being HBed, that is…

with that absurdity out of the way (you can tell that perhaps i’ve head-butted a few times too many) i will have to be on my way to bed.  the Top Ten and the Shallow Thought for this week will have to be postponed, i do apologize.

 cheers.

shallow thought sunday

IZ Top Ten Friday, Absurd Saturday, and now, Shallow Thought Sunday (tongue-in-cheek).  The weekend lineup is set. 

most of the time the only goal of my writing is flippancy, irreverence, and (hopefully) humor.  but once a week i will dedicate a post to saying something serious, because i think a 1:6 serious-to-silly ratio is something we can all aspire to. 

those of you who are only looking for silliness may now navigate to another page, like cnn.com.  (ha! bourdage – 1, sensationalistic media – 0) 

the topic for tonight is the meaning of life.  seriously. 

at times, everyone finds themselves in places they don’t want to be, doing things they don’t particularly like, for people they may or may not really care about.  (you will immediately see how this is relevant for me…)

it’s something i’ve struggled with during my time in Kansas, and now in Iraq.  specifically, i’ve struggled with the fact that the light at the end of this particular tunnel seems very far away, and not all that bright.  how do i continue to be the person i want to be, when the future appears bleak and uninteresting? 

the easiest solution, and one that many have resorted to here, from my viewpoint, is to embrace that downward spiral, and let it take you where it will.  things that used to consume my life seem suddenly unimportant, if not trivial, when looked at from a place where people are dying every day just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

for me, it’s easy to lose interest in music, soccer, reading, running; all the things that normally fill up my days and give my life the degree of personal meaning it currently has.  my first month here has been a seesaw of trying to maintain those interests in the midst of extremely chaotic circumstances.  (although i do recognize that my situation is much less chaotic than many folks over here). 

and the solution appears to be one simple thing: progress.  i have to make progress.  i have to read a book that challenges me.  i have to keep going to the gym, when some days it seems pointless.  i have to listen to the music i like, and try to enjoy it the way i always have.  and, most importantly, i have to keep trying to improve me. 

i know my outlook will go from bleak to enthusiastic and back again repeatedly, but one thing has to remain constant, and that thing is progress. 

so i’m heading home now, to read a book that i don’t really have the energy to dig into, because i know i’ll feel better once i’ve done it.  so take that, 12-month deployment…

cheers.

a different saturday night routine…

just like fridays have become IZ Top Ten nights, so saturday nights will be “reports from the ‘absurdity of my life’ front…”

in the inaugural report, we discuss the well-meaning, but often frankly hilarious things sent to troops from children back in the states.  before we get into this, let me say that i wouldn’t trade all of the construction paper american flags we have hanging in our office for anything.  and indeed, the uncontrollable laughter often brought on by these heartfelt wishes may be the best thing about them. 

without further ado, for your entertainment, i present:

 i would add a comment here, but i don’t trust myself not to write something completely inappropriate.

 cheers.

living in the lack of luxury…

and in the category of “most accurate comment on this blog”, the award goes to KD Malone, for her most recent comment on “clarification”…

not sure what to talk about tonight – i was originally planning on making fridays “Top 10 List” nights, but i have not found the inspiration or the time yet today, and it is almost time to go home. 

ah, there it is, a topic worthy of withering commentary…allow me to describe “home”…

imagine your bathroom.  (if it is of average size, and hasn’t been featured on “cribs”).  take out the toilet, bathtub, shower, and sink.  add two bunk beds (a total of four beds), two wall lockers, two small night stands, a medium refrigerator, a small TV, 8 full duffel bags, two full rucksacks, and 400 lbs of Army Captain.  (no, i haven’t put on some weight, there are two of us).

bingo, i’ve thought of a top ten list for today:

“Top Ten items that we could still fit in our room”:

10. 1/2 of a bean bag chair

9. the partial filing cabinet from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”

8. Kate Moss or Mary Kate Olsen (but not both)

7. Verne Troyer

6. Most of Jay Leno’s chin

5. A warm glass of shut the hell up

4. Whenever Apple comes up with something smaller than the nano, that will fit

3. All of Donald Trump’s real hair

2. 3 pounds of sand (this one has been proven)

and the #1 thing you can still fit in our room…

1. an unquenchable rage for everyone in a larger room than ours (which is actually quite a bit of rage)

so there you have it, the first installment of the IZ (international zone) Top Ten.

 cheers.